Passionate, decisive, intelligent, emotive, tolerably narcissistic and arrogant, risk embracing, engaged, driven, a change agent, jesuitical, dismissive, sensitive and insensitive with alarming blind spots, all describe my own sense of an imperfect self. Like the Energizer Bunny, I also seem to keep going and going and going. Am I afraid to stop or even slow down? Perhaps yes. Alas, now, more than any other time in an already full and blessed life, I feel caught in a limbo of unknowing about what to be and do next. Lost and floundering too?, yes, perhaps more than just a little.
How many reincarnations are left to someone approaching his seventh decade? How does one best make use of the time remaining? Should one flee to monastic solitude in the service of others, or continue to egage in an active life so also motivated? The idea of lounging around in a Florida or California house, playing golf, and celebrating grandchildren does not appeal to me at all. I do not judge others who choose those values, it is just not my idea of happiness. I do love to study, and once again I have returned to my lifelong fascination with the origins and development of religious belief systems. Little of the mythology which so formed my youth remains, but neither have I mutated into a syncretistic agnosticism. I now need to delve more deeply.