Like it or not, protest it or accept it, age brings limitations, and if one has any brain left at all, one sees that among other things, limitations impose humility. It may not come from within, but it is surely imposed from without. My big, and all too often, unrestrained ego gets knocked about a lot these days, and so it should. Because I grow more and more insignificant in that world where I still spend too much time and energy, I am forced to reflect more, and I am also compelled to make way for others. My time is passing, if not already past, and I still protest by going about pretending at least to myself that I am really younger than I in fact am. Why is it that I refuse to move on gracefully? Why do I keep going? Am I afraid to face the questions that come with one’s end of days? Is my significance tied up so much not with who I am but with what I do? Answer, all of the above and more.
What did I give my life to and for: Career, education, sport, hobby, fame, wealth? Do any of these have any lasting significance? I know they do not, but I am still on their treadmill. I find joy in working for my “causes”, in trying to give back, in making things a little better for others, but I fear I do not do enough, and I know I am not evolving gracefully enough. I lashed out at my Druggist the other day in abject frustration. I may have been right, but I was totally ashamed of myself.
Take away all the degrees, the money, the achievement, and what is left? The boy from 20 Howley Avenue Extension taking his final lap around the track, a final lap that may take 10 to 15 years, but a final lap nonetheless. When I reflect on the fact that it is an end of game lap, I wonder how I want to run it, and know I have not yet figured it out. So I go back to focusing on opening up those offices in Calgary and Vancouver, attending those useless meetings, and building that new business that will most assuredly out live me. Why?
Thankfully I have my two boys, and through them I occasionally catch a glimpse of eternal life!